Attempt not to scoff at the idea of the Mexican Netflix series The Five Juanas: Five Juanas are brought together by fate to Cancun at the same time, where they discover they share a buttbirthmark. WACKY. With apologies, I can’t help but call the first episode of this 18-episode paternity search, La Venganza de las Juanas, which translates to the far more tantalising Revenge of the Juanas, “cheeky,” though I’ll hold off on calling it “tongue-in-cheeky,” as I’m above such obscene innuendo. The show features numerous absurd situations. It has equal parts sex and silliness, so maybe it’ll be some guilty trashy fun.
THE FIVE JUANAS: IS IT WORTH THE HYPE?
Opening shot: An overhead view of Carlos Ponce’s Simon Marroquin laying on a red couch while he speaks aloud about sinister secrets.
The gist: Simon in that picture? glimpses of highly stylised sex scenes bathed in blue light were spliced in throughout. Then we fly to Cancun, where we cycle through the following wunzas to introduce ourselves to the Juanas: Juana Manuela, a Wunza stripper (Zuria Vega), is a high-end type that only accepts engagements that guarantee her a stack of C-notes. Federal officials prevented Juana Matilde (Juanita Arias), a Wunza singer, from travelling back to Colombia. Juana Bautista, a Wunza psychic, is forced to perform tarot card readings at a terrible bachelorette party (Sofia Engberg). Juana Caridad, a Wunza nun (Oka Giner), is imprisoned in a run-down apartment when law enforcement raids a nearby drug den. And Juana Valentina, a wunza journalist, who we first see scattering her mother’s ashes on the Cancun beach (Renata Notni).
The writer-deities of the show, who play the role of Fate, are an important character in this story since they ensure a number of things occur, most notably the following: Each opening sequence tries to give us a close-up view of each Juana’s naked or mostly bare ass so we can see her birthmark and cheek. At the same time, every Juana checks into the same hotel. An earthquake that forces everyone inside the building to leave and forces the Juanas outside onto the patio. Another set of tricks enables us to get a close-up look at a number of bare buttcheeks so the Juanas may understand that there is more going on with their life than simply the birthmark being in the shape of a fish.
A TV news interview with Simon Marroquin, who also happens to be a Significant Politician, is also shown in the background. This narrative is simple enough that even a mathematician could understand it, but who knows—telenovelas are known for their absurd plot twists.
What TV series will it make you think of? I used one of my free Oprah Daily article views, despite not being an expert on telenovelas, to learn that La Reina del Sur and Sin Senos Si Hay Paraiso are two of the most watched. Notably, The Five Juanas is a remake of the late 1990s Colombian television programme Las Juanas as well as the 2004 Mexican adaptation of the same name; neither of these programmes featured the birthmark subplot, though.
Our Opinion: Well, no one is requesting that we treat this garbage seriously. Anyone with rudimentary cognitive ability can infer how the sisterly relationship will operate in this situation: The singer will attempt to keep them all united for the same cause, finding their father, who is almost certainly a crook and a corrupt public figure, while the logical journalist will clash with the psychic’s supernatural intuition. The nun and the stripper provide the archetypal madonna/whore moral contrast. Although there are still many more episodes to come, one must hope that the details and complexity will provide some twists and surprises. After one episode, it undoubtedly feels that the main plot is similar to a 10-piece toddler puzzle.
Even though The Five Juanas uses a variety of clichéd telenovela storytelling devices, such as hazy flashbacks and individuals reading their innermost thoughts, the show’s production quality are on pace with those of a respectable cable drama. It makes no bones about being a constantly trashy display of nudey beef-and-cheesecake, but at least it doesn’t look cheap. The programme hasn’t yet produced many belly laughs; perhaps a few smirky shakes of the head, but then again, I was sipping coffee and not something that was 100% pure alcohol.
Sex and Skin: There is a lot of T&A and masculine A, all of which is undeniably very necessary and never at all superfluous.
Final Image: For the first time ever, all five Juanas are visible in the same picture. MONUMENTAL.
Sleeper: The five Juanas are given almost equal time. Promo pictures of the dancer Juana show her waving a gun since that’s what self-assured strippers do in telenovelas about five women who learn they all have the same butt birthmark. So, before the season ends, I’m betting on the nun Juana doing something incredibly un-nunlike, just so we can all act startled.
Pilot-iest Line: Juana, a stripper “Hey! Any other Juanas out there? Having a birthmark in the form of a fish on their butt?”
